


dancing with all the heartache

by emptyswimmingpools



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: 3x08, Angst, Bite-Sized Fic, Drinking, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Introspection, London, M/M, catch me in hell, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 02:39:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12925560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emptyswimmingpools/pseuds/emptyswimmingpools
Summary: It was the build-up, the not-yet, a fire about to start. But Ryan wasn’t quite sure whether he wanted to be burnt.





	dancing with all the heartache

_It didn’t mean anything_ , he told himself. They were drunk, on a high from being in London. But when he thought about Shane’s hands on his shirt, pulling him up towards his mouth, the press of his lips against the taller man’s, his heartbeat sped up more than when he was alone with ghosts. There was this feeling akin to fear, but not quite the same, that ran through his veins. The sinking feeling of inevitability, the  _Oh shit_ , the fragility of their frienfship. It was the build-up, the  _not-yet_ , a fire about to start. But Ryan wasn’t quite sure whether he wanted to be burnt.

They’d been sat next to each other, knees pressed tentatively together, with the camera crew packing up outside. Shane looked at him with something unknown in his eyes, a certain curiosity. He smiled that crooked, charming Shane Madej smile and Ryan felt his cheeks heat up, but his eyes were trained to the odd but elegant shadows of his co-host’s face. He didn’t know how it happened. But in the pit of his belly, residing underneath the Viaduct’s beer digesting, lay not an ounce of regret. _It didn’t mean anything_ , he thought once more; not to him or to Shane.

Walking back to the hotel they’d tentatively linked their fingers, testing the waters, but they hadn’t spoken a word to each other. Just watched as the wind blew through their hair and listened to the cries of laughter from equally (if not more) drunken strangers, the melody of traffic in the London night.

There was a high dosage of desparation in Ryan’s attempts to reinforce his nonchalance. It meant something, he knew that, really, but he didn’t _want_ it to mean anything. He wanted to - he didn’t know. Or, he did, he wanted _Shane_ , but he _couldn’t_ , he was so sure he couldn’t.

Ryan woke up the following morning with a headache and the taste of beer in his mouth. But the ache in his heart, the one that whispered _you kissed you kissed you kissed_ like a broken record, and he felt an awful lot like sleeping for a week straight, reluctant to face his gangly, long-limbed counterpart, the man who made his eyes roll and the hair on his neck stand up. 

He heard a groggy, “G’morning” from across the room, Shane’s morning voice muffled by his arm sprawled over his face and the blanket covering up to his squinted eyes. The light peeking through the closed curtains felt too much. The ghost of Shane’s lips on his own felt too much.

”’M fucking dying, man,” he willed himself to say, cracking a half-smile. Even hungover, even after the kiss, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling against his own accord around the older man. He heard Shane’s _Me too, buddy_ and thought maybe, just maybe, they’d be OK. They hadn’t ruined this. But there was a question sitting in the back of his head he didn’t quite feel like answering, not now, not ever: did Shane remember what happened?

**Author's Note:**

> why am i writing rpf?? someone murder my ass.
> 
> follow my bfu tumblr! i legit just made it, lol. i caved the fuck in. [ghoulboi](https://ghoulboi.tumblr.com/)
> 
> title from [sober](https://youtu.be/UvgigkaSCZA) by lorde.


End file.
